Quoted in Ottawa

Maybe it's the hair

2006-06-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

Dyed-orange haired 40-year-old lady: After spending most of my life overweight, I just ... well, I know I look like shit at 130 pound, but when I USED to be, like 200, well...

-Sparks Street

Maybe you should look in the forest

2006-06-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

Guy: It's getting really hard to find wood these days.

-street

Easter = sweet chocolate redemption

2006-06-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

Pothead: It's even better than Halloween.
Pothead #2: It's guilt-free.
Pothead: (stuffs face) It's pious of us!

-house

Side effects may include ear biting

2006-04-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dude: Bird Flu? I ain't afraid of anything that has "bird" in it. Unless it's Mike "Byrd" Tyson, 'cause he'll fuck your shit up!

Overheard by D.
-house

It works better crooked

2006-03-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

Lady #1: I'm trying to get him to pee in any way.
Lady #2: Just fold it down.

-Office

Beaver existentialism

2006-03-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

Drunk girl #1 staring at beaver t-shirt: It's a beaver. Beaver!
Drunk girl #2: What's it doing?
T-shirt dude: Shaving!
Drunk girl #1: Is a beaver still a beaver if it's shaved?
Drunk girl #2: According to th shirt.

-Downtown bar

You're blowing smoke up my ass

2006-03-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

DG #1: So, then you did meet the pope?
DG #2: Oh...yeah.

-government building lobby
Submitted by C.

That's not a suggestion, it's a command

2006-03-18T14:32:00.000-08:00

Maintenance guy's radio: Uhh...if the truck's not there...go for another smoke.

-on the street

The medicine of song

2006-03-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

Watching Rent: one woman just "dies" from AIDS, then comes back to life after her boyfriend sings a song

Girl #1: Oh my gosh, how can she come back to life, she has like pneumonia.
Girl #2: Well, it's the 90s. They had plenty of stuff to cure pneumonia... like songs.

The slippery slope of the karate chop

2006-03-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

Metro man: I was wearing my Kung Fu slippers. And I slipped!

-house

Spread the love, baby

2006-03-18T14:19:00.000-08:00

Fem dude: You're such a bitch. You should be shot.
Burly dude: You should be spreadeagled on the ground.

-Elgin St.

You know you're drunk when...

2006-03-18T14:17:00.000-08:00

Tipsy girl #1: You can't whistle? Is that possible?
Tipsy girl #2: See, I can't whistle. Pfffff. Pffffff.
Drunk dude: I can whistle. Pffff. Pffff. Ohmigod! I forgot how to whistle!

-house

Organ-ic chemistry

2006-03-18T14:15:00.000-08:00

Treebiter: (grabs house tree, and bites it)
Bystander: You know, it can't love you back...
Treebiter: Yes, it can. It's a living orgasm.

-house party

He's talking about anti-freeze

2006-02-11T17:48:00.000-08:00

Homeless dude: You know, you gotta power drink. It's great 'cause it gets your blood flowing, and keeps you all warm.

-Elgin St.

They live on the dark side

2006-02-08T19:01:00.000-08:00

Kid #1: They have an Australian accent -- not to be racist.
Kid #2: How is that racist?
Kid #1: Well, they're bad guys.

-Bus #4

Not to confirm any stereotypes or anything

2006-02-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

TV girl: Over there, that's Parliament Hill, and that's the National Archives.
Famous has-been singer: Whoa, so this is, like, our Washington?
TV girl: ... Yeah.

-Car

But they all smoke the same pot

2006-02-08T18:48:00.000-08:00

Dopey #1: The Rolling Stones are artists, but the football players are just entertainers.
Dopey #2: The canvas is your listening ear.

-Apartment

In like a lion, out like a mouse

2006-02-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

Chick: Um, excuse me! CAN I GET OFF!?! ... back door please.

-#3 bus

Take a magic carpet ride

2006-02-08T18:43:00.000-08:00

Dopey #1: How are the rides?
Dopey #2: They're all about transfering you to a magical place.
Dopey #1: Disney World?
Dopey #2: No, Disneyland.

-Apartment

Mick Jagger really illuminates the show

2006-02-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

Superbowl halftime fan: It's like a million little people are taking pictures off his shirt. It's like he's projecting when he's taking in.

-House

Munchies gone dopey

2006-02-08T18:37:00.000-08:00

Pothead #1: Awww, ketchup chips. But only if they're Old Dutch.
Pothead #2: Yeah, they're the best.
Pothead #1: Yeah.
Pothead #2: They're way ripplier. I mean, if you get the ripply kind.

-Apartment

Musings of the Merry & Muddled

2006-01-21T16:10:00.000-08:00

Yuppie dude: When me and Nick, before we were even 10, we used to sleep on the street.
Drunk chick: When you were just babies!... Hey, you live by Eric.
Yuppie dude: Do you even know where we are? The Museum of Nature is right there, baby. We're not even close to your house.
Drunk chick: (shrugs, guzzles from jug)

-Metcalfe St.
Submitted by C.

It was a scorcher

2006-01-21T16:08:00.000-08:00

Guy: Hey, I saw you at the fire alarm last night.
Girl: Yeah, Joe hates getting up when he doesn't have to. He's such an asshole.

-Health clinic waiting room
Submitted by C.

Fuckeddaboutit

2006-01-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

Young woman: Hey, guess what, there was kind of a development in my love life.
Old boss man: Did you have sex?
Young woman: Umm...no...and now my story seems dumb.

-Office
Submitted by C.

In mint condition

2005-12-22T13:29:00.000-08:00

Girl: Oooh, there's the War Museum!
Guy: Um, that's the Mint.
Girl: Aaaaaaaaaw!
Guy: Um, that's why it says "Royal Mint." It's where they make the money.
Girl: Yeah, "Mint" is short for "War Museum."

-#3 Bus
Submitted by C.

Banking on model behaviour

2005-12-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

Girl #1: Yeah, I heard she's sick.
Girl #2: Yeah, she's spending her money like friggin' Tyra Banks.

-#1 Bus
Submitted by C.

White is the new black

2005-12-10T22:44:00.000-08:00

Chick: I don't know if she realizes I have a sensitivity about being white.

-Apartment building

Flashes of idiocy

2005-12-10T22:42:00.000-08:00

Chick: She's such a blooper.

-Rideau Centre

No hidden message

2005-12-10T22:39:00.000-08:00

Dude: That is soooo 1981.
Chick: Those JEANS are so 1982.

-Elgin St.

To get rrrrid of ze Frrrrench accent

2005-12-08T14:20:00.000-08:00

Girl who just finished an English test: So, after they said I was advanced, they made me take a grammar test, and you know I didn't do good.

1 minute later...

Girl who just finished an English test: They offer a course in advanced pronunciation. Who needs a course to learn to pronunciate things??

-Lobby of government building
Submitted by C.

Actually, that's the dunce hat

2005-12-08T14:19:00.000-08:00

Little girl putting on purple hat: I am a GENIUS!

-Rideau Centre
Submitted by C.

Pulling a Britney

2005-12-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

Bearded dude: You are so Britney Spears right now.
Chick: What?
Bearded dude: You look like white trash.

-Office

One tough cookie

2005-12-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

Chick: You want a cookie?
Dude: Yeah, sure.
Chick: Did you wash your hands?
Dude: No, I'm a guy... Yeah I washed my hands and then I douched.
Chick: Can you douche your pee-pee hole?

-Office

That's whore-ific!

2005-12-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

Pottymouth chick: I put the "ass" in class.
Dude: You put the "whore" in a word that has W-H-O-R-E in it.

-Office

But it can bite

2005-12-04T10:05:00.000-08:00

Cabbie: How's the weather out there?
Lady in cab: It sucks.
Cabbie: Weather doesn't suck, it freezes. I wish it sucked.
Lady in cab: ...
Cabbie: So, is it pretty windy out there?

-Rideau St.

Weathering a sand storm

2005-12-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

Teen girl #1: Hey it's the weather girl!
Teen girl #2: Weather *WOMAN*.
Not weather woman: No, that's the *other* brown girl.
Teen girl #1: Oh... sorry.

-George St.

Things that make you go hmmmm

2005-11-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

Dude #1: Your fantasy is our business.
Dude #2: ... And business is goooooood!

-Downtown office

Uh, you're not supposed to chew

2005-11-26T21:17:00.000-08:00

Drunk chick: I didn't know how to fucking chew it.

-Fox & Feather on Elgin

Rape me, Beautiful!

2005-11-26T21:14:00.000-08:00

Dude hands model wannabe a drink.
Model wannabe: There better fucking be roofies in here. Fuck.

-House party

I see suicide bombers

2005-11-25T17:01:00.000-08:00

Bag lady: Can you help me? I'm homeless and terrorized.

-Elgin St.

That damn hysterectomy

2005-11-25T16:59:00.000-08:00

Shopgirl #1: ...so, that explains why I'm not getting pregnant.
Shopgirl #2: Yeah, yeah.
Shopgirl #1: So I'm gonna go get that checked out.

-Shoppers Drug Mart, Rideau Centre
Submitted by C.

Stephen Lewis in all his glory

2005-11-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

In a departure from the usual anonymous style, I'm including a few one-liners from the Stephen Lewis Sunlife Financial lecture at Carleton University on Nov. 22. Enjoy.

On being sponsored by Sunlife:
"To be sponsored by a corporation is more than my frail psyche can handle."

On his appointment by Brian Mulroney as Canadian ambassador to the UN:
"I'm the only person who will ever say they're indebted to Brian Mulroney."

On the Conservative Party:
"As Florence MacDonald can tell you, when you work with the Tories you're not only cleansed, you're neutered."

On his speech:
"I learned a long time ago that an absence of knowledge should not impede opinion."

On gender equality:
"Men as a species is largely beyond redemption."

Your breathe is so hot and oniony! Grrrr!

2005-11-23T09:24:00.000-08:00

Uni chick to other chick: I smell onions. Wanna make out?

-Minto Centre

That's what you get for not writing a wish list

2005-11-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

Dude: My ma hasn't asked me what I want for Christmas yet.
Chick: Oh, so does that mean she's getting you that 51-piece drill set?
Dude: Ya.

-Big Bud's
Submitted by K.

The first time is always special

2005-11-21T11:26:00.000-08:00

Two teenage goth chicks pass a group of teenage boys carring various band instruments.

Teenage girl, holding out orange fuzzy thing: Want to touch fuzzy??
Teenage boy touches it.
Teenage boy, running to catch up with friends: Guys!! I touched fuzzy!!!

-Rideau Street
Submitted by C.

She soaked it up like a sponge

2005-11-21T11:24:00.000-08:00

Thug in Spongebob baseball cap: She was drinking Drambuie straight out of the bottle! I was like dude, you are the man! You may have nice boobs, but you are the man!

-Liquor store at Rideau and King Edward
Submitted by C.

These boots are made for talking

2005-11-17T14:17:00.000-08:00

Random Crazy Woman Passerby: I see you bought your winter boots.
Girl Carrying Feet First Bag: Yup.
Random Crazy: Nice.

(Neither knew each other, passing in opposite directions.)

-Elgin Street

Venus Envy is just a few blocks away...

2005-11-17T14:10:00.000-08:00

One old fogey to his colleague: Are you for experiment? Or is it too soon for you?

-Domus Cafe

What's the colour of stupid?

2005-11-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

Teen Freak: Did you pick out that backpack?
Frumpy Woman Wearing Ugly Old Backpack: Yeah.
Teen Freak: It's nice. I like the colours purple and black together. I like how purple is just like one hit away from black. Purple and black. Those must be Libra colours. No, purple, black AND white, that's Libra. Ha ha ha!

-Park

Savage Like Wild Rice

2005-11-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

Boss: Listen, call the journalist back, and tell them we're on it. Tell them we're on it like white on rice.
Subordinate: Ok, but I'm going to use a different euphemism.
Boss: Why? Rice IS white! Unless you are talking about basmati, or some other types of wild rice...Listen! I don't have time to discuss types of rice with you! Just call them back!

-Office
Submitted by C.

What is this "other" that you speak of?

2005-11-14T10:38:00.000-08:00

Dude to drunk friend sleeping on stairs: What are you doing here? Why aren't you in the apartment?
Drunk: You didn't give me the key to the apartment, just to the building.
Dude: Did you check your pocket?
Drunk: Yeah.
Dude: Did you check your other pocket?
Drunk: I never thought of that.

-Hallway Stairs in Apartment Building
Submitted by O.

No Jobs Currently Available In Ottawa For Tomb Raiders

2005-11-13T21:34:00.000-08:00

Dude: I should have been a relic hunter.

-Office

Fields Of Corn Flourish By The River Styx

2005-11-13T21:29:00.000-08:00

Chick: Vegetables are Satan's food.

-Office

Stop Doggin' Me

2005-11-05T23:18:00.000-08:00

Fat chick to tall dude: You're like a chihuahua. You're all like 'Love me, feed me, pay attention to me.' I just want to kick you, kick you like a football, put you on the ground and just kick you.

-#7 bus

The Drunken "Did You Know" of the Night

2005-11-05T23:16:00.000-08:00

Drunken Braggart: Didya know the other day in the Bay I told a girl to go fuck herself!

-Rideau Street

What kind of relief?

2005-11-04T12:44:00.000-08:00

Man in stall: Ohhh Yeahhh! Jesus Murphy! Yeahhh! Now that's how you spell relief.

-Men's washroom
Submitted by S.

Ain't that the motherfucking truth

2005-11-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

Chick #1: I have to agree with him, I think it's weird for a mother to be saying fuck.
Chick #2: If anything, when you're a mother, you say fuck way more than you ever did before.

-Government Building Cafeteria
Submitted by C.

Word of the Day: men-stroo-nation

2005-10-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

Teenybopper #1: Diarrhea!! Haha!! Diarrhea...that's something like my mom would say...

Teenybopper #2: Yeah, then you get older and it's men-stroo-nation. I'm men-stroo-ating.

-#7 Bus
Submitted by C.

Momma always said flaunt what you've got, or bought

2005-10-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

Worker to intern: You’re always a hit when you’ve got the fake boobs on!

-Office
Submitted by Penny

A feat for the Guinness Book of World Records

2005-10-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

Chick: Call the boss at home. Do you have her number?
Dude: Yeah, I’ve got her on speed dial. I could dial it with a hard-on.

-Office
Submitted by T.

You know you're anorexic when you lose your pee-flap fat

2005-10-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

Pottymouth chick: Do you have any fat on your body?
Anorexic chick: Yeah, I do. On my thighs.
Pottymouth chick: Yeah, right. Next you’re going to say your pee-flaps are fat.

-Office
Submitted by T.

Spicy never sounded so appetizing

2005-10-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

Office worker: Pick me up a bag of chips -- something spicy.
Pottymouth chick: Something that’ll give you heart burn in your bum bum?

-Office
Submitted by T.

Why do five-star resorts attract high-class idiots?

2005-10-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

Ignorant Man 1: I mean, all those five-star resorts in Cancun and thereabouts? They don’t even know how to cook pork properly.
Ignorant Man 2: There’s that misconception about having to overcook pork, so that’s all they know how to do…
Ignorant Man 3: Fuck, I won’t ever go there again on vacation again 'til those people learn how to cook.

-Black Cat Cafe
Submitted by K.

Featuring Kanye West and Ashley MacIsaac

2005-10-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

Girl #1: So, do they only play Irish music?

Girl #2: Well, sometimes they play covers...like Spirit of the West.

Girl #1: Kanye West?!

Girl #3: What? Kanye?

Girl #2: No, um, Spirit of the West.

-Heart & Crown
Submitted by C.

Hipster Elf: Fashion or Faux Pas?

2005-10-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

Chick: There're elves everywhere!

-Zaphod's

Now You're Blowing White Smoke Out of Your Ass

2005-10-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

Worker #1: Everyone can be replaced.
Worker #2: Yeah, everyone can be replaced.... even the pope.

-Office
Submitted by J.

How'd You Like That On Your Criminal Record?

2005-10-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

Bad ass teenage girl 1: Yeah, I got grounded again.
Bad ass teenage girl 2: Oh yeah? for breaking the glass at school?
Bad ass teenage girl 1: No, it was when the cops came to my house again.
Bad ass teenage girl 2: Are you and your boyfriend really that loud?

-#97 bus
Submitted by J.

What Other "Realities" Do You Make For Yourself?

2005-10-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

Chick 1: So how did your husband propose?

Chick 2: Oh, I told him to. I find that the best realities are the ones you create for yourself.

-House
Submitted by D.

This Conversation Is About to Expire

2005-10-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

Gay guy 1: I love the condoms I have right now. They're totally the best.
Gay guy 2: uh.. (a little uncomfortable)
Gay guy 1: ... except I think they're about to expire...

-on the bus
submitted by K.

Maybe Because It's Full of Bureaucrats Like You

2005-10-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

Guy to girl: Oooh, yeah, I really like Eighteen. It's just like Social except it doesn't make you hate Ottawa.

-Lobby of government building
Submitted by C.

Oct. 11, 2005

2005-10-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

Dude #1: Michael Jackson's a freak.
Dude #2: When you call someone a freak, that really means something.

-office

Pottymouth chick on cell: That was a great fucking parking job. What were you fucking thinking?
Dweeb #1: What classy language.
Dweeb #2: Yes, just lovely.

-Metcalfe

Old fogey to wife: Why on earth would I want to see this thing about Egypt and walking on the moon?

-Canal Boat Tour

Oct. 7, 2005

2005-10-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

Lady to other lady: You're shallow and an intellect at the same time... That's why I like you.

-Office

Guy: I always feel like I need man's umbrella. This one is too small.
Girl: Don't worry. Girls don't notice... unless it's puny.

-#7 bus

Oct. 7, 2005

2005-10-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

Gray-haired Woman: Repressed anger often leads to depression. Or is it depression leads to repressed anger? Oh well, (laughing aloud) either way you're screwed.

-Rideau Centre
Submitted by S.

Grumpy Old Man: Don't make fun of handicapped people. They're easier to get drunk.

-Office
Submitted by C.

Oct. 5, 2005

2005-10-05T06:01:00.000-07:00

Chick #1: I'd hate the bus if it wasn't so damned convenient.
Chick #2: Yeah, it's too bad we need it.

-#4 bus

Chick #1: She kept pushing me. I was practically humping your leg.
Chick #2: It's a moment I'll cherish forever.
Chick #1: (laugh) She was so tall her ass was in my back the whole ride.
Chick #2: Public transit, bringing strangers together.
Chick#1: In more ways than one.

-#4 bus

Oct. 2, 2005

2005-10-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

Uni chick: That baby, like, cries all the time. But she’s not, like, genetically evil or anything.

-Ada's Diner, Bank Street
Submitted by K.

Chick: You call it nasty, I call it flattery.

-Office

Oct. 1, 2005

2005-10-01T23:24:00.000-07:00

Hobo woman, shrieking: I don't even like sex anymore!
Hobo man, singing: Where have all the young girls gone...long time passing...I wanna know...

-Bank & Somerset
Submitted by C.

Chick: It's a little harder to find a whore there than in Vanier -- the only drawback."

-Office

Dude: Grab it , squeeze it and suck it.
RE: jello shooters

-Downtown party
Submitted by S.

Sept. 30, 2005

2005-09-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

Student girl #1: Ya know, guys are all like........ (gestures with crossed index fingers) hisss hisss hisss marriage.
Student girl #2: Yeah.

-Rideau Centre OC Transpo kiosk
Submitted by J.

Guy: I don't like these stairs.
Girl: Why not? They're good for you.
Guy: Yeah, I know. I just don't like where they lead.

-Stairs of office building

Girl: Yeah, I came back here and I was all like where are my stairs that I usually fall down?

-Unicentre, Carleton University

Sept. 27, 2005

2005-09-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

Bearded Dude: I think people who don't like John Lennon don't like music.

-Bridgehead on Bank
Submitted by J.

Sept. 26, 2005

2005-09-26T17:56:00.000-07:00

Woman #1: Isn't Judy just the nicest lady?
Woman #2: Oh, yes! She is! I had her over for coffee today.
Woman #3: You know, she used to be a man
Woman #2: Oh, I know. She's still got her piece

-gym change room
Submitted by K.

Sept. 25, 2005

2005-09-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

Guy #1: Didn't your parents ever wash your mouth out with soap?
Pottymouth Chick: My parents think I don't swear.
Guy #2: You're on a swearing jihad.
-office

Chick: Momma always said you shouldn't fuck beneath your class.
-office

Chick: Hey, have you seen "Forty Year Old Virgin" yet?
Guy: I'm looking at one right now.
-office

Sept. 23, 2005

2005-09-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

Chick: I can't believe you think Joni Mitchell is a blathering idiot!!

-Fox & Feather

Sept. 22, 2005

2005-09-22T11:37:00.000-07:00

Chick: I don't have anything to wear except for a t-shirt that says Fuck Off... and a hat.
-Carleton U.

Guy: If you have a comb that says Made in France, then THAT'S where it was made.
-Carleton U.

Sept. 21, 2005

2005-09-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

Guy #1: Getting married in Vegas is the height of class.
Guy #2: Hey. My parents got married in Vegas.
Guy #1: ... My comment stands.

-Elgin Street Diner
-Submitted by K.

Sept. 19, 2005

2005-09-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

Girl #1: You can't put dinosaurs in microwaves.
Girl #2: Yes, you can.

-In the street

Sept. 18, 2005

2005-09-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

Worker #1: You want one?
Worker #2: No thanks. Don’t those make you go doo-doo?
Worker #1: What?
Worker #2: Those are After Eight mints? Don’t you eat them after meals to stay regular?

-Office

Sept. 17, 2005

2005-09-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

Asking for a table at Elgin Street Diner:
Drunk Girl: Dude, we’re eleven.
Drunk Boy: That is a disgusting number.
Drunk Guy #1 at table (listening to conversation): That’s one of those things that’s not going to be funny tomorrow.
Drunk Guy #2 at table: Yeah, but it’ll be alright on-line.

-Elgin Street Diner

Preppy Guy: That’s the first sign of fatness – a double chin.

-Byward Market

Sept. 13, 2005

2005-09-21T14:48:00.000-07:00

Reporter: You don’t really care… just watch them whack it.

-newsroom, on-air

August

2005-09-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

Drunk Nephew: Get the fuck off me so I can get my Budweiser.
Drunk Aunt sitting in his lap: OK, OK.

-Trout Lake Hotel, in the boonies

July

2005-09-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

Son #2: Trains run on train tracks and cars run on roads.
Son #1: You’re never allowed to run on train tracks.
Son #2: Yeah, they’re dangerous.

- O-Train

June

2005-09-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

Mother: Everyone has to wash their hands from all that touching.

- O-Train