Quoted in Ottawa: November 2005

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Things that make you go hmmmm

Dude #1: Your fantasy is our business.
Dude #2: ... And business is goooooood!

-Downtown office

Uh, you're not supposed to chew

Drunk chick: I didn't know how to fucking chew it.

-Fox & Feather on Elgin

Rape me, Beautiful!

Dude hands model wannabe a drink.
Model wannabe: There better fucking be roofies in here. Fuck.

-House party

Friday, November 25, 2005

I see suicide bombers

Bag lady: Can you help me? I'm homeless and terrorized.

-Elgin St.

That damn hysterectomy

Shopgirl #1: ...so, that explains why I'm not getting pregnant.
Shopgirl #2: Yeah, yeah.
Shopgirl #1: So I'm gonna go get that checked out.

-Shoppers Drug Mart, Rideau Centre
Submitted by C.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Stephen Lewis in all his glory

In a departure from the usual anonymous style, I'm including a few one-liners from the Stephen Lewis Sunlife Financial lecture at Carleton University on Nov. 22. Enjoy.

On being sponsored by Sunlife:
"To be sponsored by a corporation is more than my frail psyche can handle."

On his appointment by Brian Mulroney as Canadian ambassador to the UN:
"I'm the only person who will ever say they're indebted to Brian Mulroney."

On the Conservative Party:
"As Florence MacDonald can tell you, when you work with the Tories you're not only cleansed, you're neutered."

On his speech:
"I learned a long time ago that an absence of knowledge should not impede opinion."

On gender equality:
"Men as a species is largely beyond redemption."

Your breathe is so hot and oniony! Grrrr!

Uni chick to other chick: I smell onions. Wanna make out?

-Minto Centre

Monday, November 21, 2005

That's what you get for not writing a wish list

Dude: My ma hasn't asked me what I want for Christmas yet.
Chick: Oh, so does that mean she's getting you that 51-piece drill set?
Dude: Ya.

-Big Bud's
Submitted by K.

The first time is always special

Two teenage goth chicks pass a group of teenage boys carring various band instruments.

Teenage girl, holding out orange fuzzy thing: Want to touch fuzzy??
Teenage boy touches it.
Teenage boy, running to catch up with friends: Guys!! I touched fuzzy!!!

-Rideau Street
Submitted by C.

She soaked it up like a sponge

Thug in Spongebob baseball cap: She was drinking Drambuie straight out of the bottle! I was like dude, you are the man! You may have nice boobs, but you are the man!

-Liquor store at Rideau and King Edward
Submitted by C.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

These boots are made for talking

Random Crazy Woman Passerby: I see you bought your winter boots.
Girl Carrying Feet First Bag: Yup.
Random Crazy: Nice.

(Neither knew each other, passing in opposite directions.)

-Elgin Street

Venus Envy is just a few blocks away...

One old fogey to his colleague: Are you for experiment? Or is it too soon for you?

-Domus Cafe

What's the colour of stupid?

Teen Freak: Did you pick out that backpack?
Frumpy Woman Wearing Ugly Old Backpack: Yeah.
Teen Freak: It's nice. I like the colours purple and black together. I like how purple is just like one hit away from black. Purple and black. Those must be Libra colours. No, purple, black AND white, that's Libra. Ha ha ha!

-Park

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Savage Like Wild Rice

Boss: Listen, call the journalist back, and tell them we're on it. Tell them we're on it like white on rice.
Subordinate: Ok, but I'm going to use a different euphemism.
Boss: Why? Rice IS white! Unless you are talking about basmati, or some other types of wild rice...Listen! I don't have time to discuss types of rice with you! Just call them back!

-Office
Submitted by C.

Monday, November 14, 2005

What is this "other" that you speak of?

Dude to drunk friend sleeping on stairs: What are you doing here? Why aren't you in the apartment?
Drunk: You didn't give me the key to the apartment, just to the building.
Dude: Did you check your pocket?
Drunk: Yeah.
Dude: Did you check your other pocket?
Drunk: I never thought of that.

-Hallway Stairs in Apartment Building
Submitted by O.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

No Jobs Currently Available In Ottawa For Tomb Raiders

Dude: I should have been a relic hunter.

-Office

Fields Of Corn Flourish By The River Styx

Chick: Vegetables are Satan's food.

-Office

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Stop Doggin' Me

Fat chick to tall dude: You're like a chihuahua. You're all like 'Love me, feed me, pay attention to me.' I just want to kick you, kick you like a football, put you on the ground and just kick you.

-#7 bus

The Drunken "Did You Know" of the Night

Drunken Braggart: Didya know the other day in the Bay I told a girl to go fuck herself!

-Rideau Street

Friday, November 04, 2005

What kind of relief?

Man in stall: Ohhh Yeahhh! Jesus Murphy! Yeahhh! Now that's how you spell relief.

-Men's washroom
Submitted by S.

Ain't that the motherfucking truth

Chick #1: I have to agree with him, I think it's weird for a mother to be saying fuck.
Chick #2: If anything, when you're a mother, you say fuck way more than you ever did before.

-Government Building Cafeteria
Submitted by C.

Quoted in Ottawa